Call Me Snake

--So what’ll it be, the usual?
--Yeah, why not?
--See the Pats?
--Now that was a meaningless game.
--True, but it’s always good to hit the playoffs with a “W” under the belt. How was New Year’s?
--Got off to a bad start. Took the kids to the fireworks, the early show. But when we got to Park Street, a ton of people were coming down the steps. I knew we missed it.
--So what’d you do?
--Walked around the Common, through all the slush and puddles, feeling like a chump.
--That’s no way to rain in the New Year. Say, I’ve always wondered, how you spell that: r-a-i-n?
--Got me. I never won any spelling bees. Ya know how to spell ophthalmology?
--No, but I’m looking into laser surgery. My cataracts are cataracting up.
--That’s a good one. Like my GI guy said: Quit your bellyachin’.
--Reminds me of the time my chiropractor called me “maladjusted.”
--Ease up. You’re slayin’ me.
--So how’s that in back? Followed the natural line... You don’t want it tapered, do ya?
--No, that’s fine. It’s funny, I’m already feeling a little better about things. Maybe 2005 won’t be so bad after all.
--That’s the spirit. We’re only a couple of days in. Things could take a turn...
--Yeah, maybe... We’ve got a nut job in the White House, a mess in Iraq, and those damn tidal waves. But at least we have a.... Uh..., uh... Help me out. I’m dyin’ here...
--A, uh..., good head o’ hair?
--Thanks, I needed a little boost. Is it still receeding?
--A little. Not bad.
--And not too gray?
--Nah... Looks distinguished.
--I hate that word. Sounds like a euphemism.
--You mean like “military intelligence.”
--No, that’s an oxymoron.
--Heh, watch your language.
--Heh, watch your razor.
--Tell you what. Let’s just relax a couple of minutes. Take a little break.
--No talkin’?
--Yeah. For a minute...
--OK. Can I say something?
--In a sec... All right. How’re the sideburns? Half inch up, straight across...
--Fine. So what do you think of Boy Wonder’s latest moves?
--Theo’s smart. No question But I’ll tell ya’ one thing: He’s not bringing Ted Williams back.
--Not unless he’s got a good defroster. But honestly, I’m a little worried. We lost Pedro, Lowe. Is Manny next? Meanwhile the Yanks get Johnson, Pavano, and maybe Beltran...
--Why does everybody keep on about the Yankees? We won the damn thing, for Chrissake!
--But we gotta talk about the Yankees. Who else we gonna hate so good?
--How ‘bout we focus on football, for now. Worry about the spring later.
--Whaddaya saying, coach? Take one season at a time?
--Yeah, one season at a time. That’ll be $13.

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Steve Nadis can be found on his usual stool at the Central Barber Shop.